i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
