how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
