I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
