I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
