They should really pass out barf bags in church
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
