hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
