You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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