You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
