my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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