Hey man sorry I got all grabby
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i love accidental penises.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
