wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
