I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
