Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
