Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
