Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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