I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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