i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
