I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
