The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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