she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
