She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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