there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
