Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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