if you like me you must not know who I am
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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