Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
