I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
