Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
