it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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