I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
