The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
