just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
