So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
