Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
