Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
