I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
