i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
