we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
