You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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