I want to walk on stilts...naked
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
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When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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