So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
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totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
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Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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