thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You smell like a Billy Joel song
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
