i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
