Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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