Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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