There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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