i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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