My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
