even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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