I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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