You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
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there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
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The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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