help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.