Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am