DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
there was a trapeze. enough said
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire