also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.