I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
