Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
