i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
me + whiskey = a bad person
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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