Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
