There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
